Most of us are familiar with the Greek mythology of Narcissus, the beautiful young man who fell in love with his own reflection. He became obsessed to the point that he would not leave the water for fear of losing sight of his reflection, at which he stared until he died.
Today, more than ever, people are accusing other people of being narcissists. And while it is a term that is overused, we have become a generation fixated on self.
The term self-esteem is a relative new term which originated around 1969 when an article was published suggesting feelings of self-esteem were the key to success in life. The self-esteem movement created terms like “finding yourself” and self-fulfillment, words that shaped our culture. Nowadays, it is so woven into our lives that we no longer recognize it, it influenced our schools, our parenting, and our belief systems. The self-esteem movement started with the best intentions – to raise a peer group that feels good about themselves – but, in the long run it appears that it might have done us a deep disservice.
What began as a focus on self-esteem became a focus on self. Instead of raising a generation who like themselves, people became self-absorbed. According to the National Institutes of Health, the incidence of narcissistic personality disorder is nearly three times as high for people in their twenties as for people 65 years or older.
A person with narcissistic personality disorder has an extreme feeling of self-importance, a sense of entitlement and a need to be admired. Such a person may seem self-absorbed, intolerant, selfish, controlling, and insensitive and usually lacks empathy & compassion. And while every entitled person you meet is not narcissistic, there has been a shift toward self-preoccupation.
Self-preoccupation is a major contributor to depression and anxiety. Self-focus assumes that every rejection, every awkward feeling, or uncomfortable interaction must be about “me”. When we spend an inordinate amount of time and energy thinking about ourselves – especially the things we feel we would like to change – self-focus can turn into an endless loop of overthinking. It sucks our energy and time: it magnifies our flaws and insecurities, because we are constantly aware of them. Self-focus leads to unhealthy perspectives which influences how we interact with the world. This in turn can lead to an unquenchable need for affirmation and validation, which produces unnatural surviving mechanisms leading to feelings of low self-worth.
It seems that the problem is not so much what we are thinking about ourselves, but that we are constantly thinking about ourselves. We spend so much time talking about ourselves in conversation, posting about ourselves on social media, and even contemplating our feelings and emotions, when we should be paying attention to our surroundings, other people, and their needs.
Rick Warren captured the heart of this matter when he stated, “humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less”. When we turn our focus outward, when we stop looking at ourselves, dwelling on ourselves, evaluating ourselves and comparing ourselves to others, our frame of reference changes. Having a purpose that incorporates an objective bigger than ourselves is a sure way to live a happier, fulfilled life. It might be time to take the focus off ‘me’ and start serving the ‘we’.
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