No. Such a strong little word. Yet so many of us seem to have an absolute apprehension to saying “no”. Sometimes we even find ourselves thinking “no, no, no”, but then still blurt out “yes.”
Why is it so difficult to say the word “no”? Why does it feel like saying “no” makes one a bad person - selfish, difficult to get along with, even weak?
Billionaire Warren Buffet has a different take on this subject: “The difference between successful people and really successful people,” he says, “is that really successful people say no to almost everything.” And it seems that other successful people follow suit.
Steve Jobs: “Focusing is about saying ‘no.’”
Josh Billings: “Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.”
But for many of us, it is not so easy to develop this art.
We can think of numerous reasons why saying no makes us uncomfortable. We feel guilty, we feel that we let someone down. We feel lazy, negative, like we do not play well with others. We tend to feel that “no” is the opposite of what we are expected to say. That saying “yes” avoids conflict and might make people like us more.
But there might be a deeper underlying problem. Often, feeling involved in many things, can be tied to our self-esteem. It might be a “if people ask me to do this then it means I am worth something" – mentality.
Another possibility is that immersing ourselves in many different tasks is a way to escape having to think about or face other problems in our lives. If you find yourself always saying “yes”, constantly busy and looking away from issues that need your attention, be warned, those neglected things will find a way to catch up with you. Investigate the reason that you tend to say “yes” when you ought to say “no”. This may help you understand the root of your struggle to decline an invitation or request.
People who value themselves, have healthy boundaries and know what they want in life, have mastered the skill of saying “no”.
So where do you start? How do you unlearn the bad habit of always feeling the need to say “yes”?
Here are 10 helpful tips for saying “no”:
Know your worth: remember your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people.
Give yourself permission to say no: it is okay to decline an offer or request. Do not feel guilty.
Practice saying no. Imagine a scenario and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no.
Think about the implications of saying yes. What will you be saying no to if you say yes to this?
Be aware of persuasion skills: some people do not like to hear “no”. Resist persuasion.
Be direct, firm, and clear yet polite. “Thank you for asking, but…”
Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons. You don’t have to explain your no. (You never explain your yes, do you?)
Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt—and this is what you are trying to avoid feeling.
Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later.
Don’t say “I’ll think about it” if you don’t want to do it. This will just prolong the situation and make you feel even more stressed.
It might initially be tough to say “no”. Most of us were raised to always be nice and say “yes”. Learning how to decline an invitation or request without feeling guilty is an essential aspect of living an authentic life. Practice makes perfect. Every time you say “yes” to something that is not important, you are saying “no” to something that is: your work, your relationships, your resources. Choose your “yesses” wisely.