Growing up, a mantra in our home was: Expect no fairness in life. I’ve heard it so many times that it still
rings in my head, whenever I see injustice. Yet, only after I reached my forties, I realized that not assuming fairness, does not imply accepting whatever comes your way.
Even if you weren’t responsible for the things that happened, or is happening to you, you are directly responsible (and in control) of what happens next. Being a victim is easy, I get it. I fall prey to the mentality of throwing my hands in the air more than I would like to admit. I oftentimes roll my eyes and wonder why I have to deal with certain behavior or situations again and again. But the truth is you get what you tolerate.
We oftentimes convince ourselves that suffering in silence is noble. That taking the high road and not vocalizing a hurt or an overstepped boundary is honorable or even done to prevent a clash. Unfortunately, when we let ourselves be pushed beyond certain limits, it creates resentment and a feeling of powerlessness. That is why keeping quiet or sweeping things under the rug is not a long-term solution. An unspoken boundary is not a boundary. Personal boundaries cannot be seen and therefore need to be communicated concisely. Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. Not stating that a boundary has been crossed, enslaves you at the mercy of someone’s behavior. It gives them full control to do whatever pleases them. While we cannot force people to respect us or treat us in an acceptable way, we can refuse to tolerate their disrespect.
But before you get too excited… Setting boundaries starts within. It starts with SELF. I cannot “set boundaries on” someone else. If my aim is to control or to punish others, I am trying to serve my egotistic desires. Personal boundaries are about self-control. Boundaries are set to maintain control of what happens around your own soul, to protect your personal borders. If someone trespasses your personal boundaries in some way, you can take control of yourself. You can decide to not let yourself be controlled, hurt or manipulated anymore. Setting boundaries is different than setting an ultimatum. An ultimatum is demanding that someone else change instead of you.
Once we realize we are responsible for our reactions, that our passivity is part of the problem, it empowers us and puts us in the driver’s seat of change. Responsibility involves action. We need to change some of our reactions, attitudes, behaviors and choices. If we keep doing the same thing, we can’t expect a different outcome. Setting boundaries is your way of verifying that relationships can be mutually respectful, appropriate and acceptable.
Remember, change starts with you. Nothing will change, unless you do.
** My life coaching sessions are aimed to help you improve your personal & professional life. Change starts with you – but it doesn’t start until you do!